Hi!  So that was a good e-mail and I don’t mind you changing it a little but you left out the question at the end of the script “…would you like to join our team.”
This is the most important part of the whole message. Literally, I get people responding back with “yes I would like to join but tell me more…” etc.
So you might want to consider putting that part in just like I have it at the end ok ??
PS: Great job emailing them back!
PS: You know I spent over a year trying to connect with people unsuccessfully. It took me that year of experimenting and a year being a GDI Team Leader that allowed me to finally succeed online as far as communication with others. There were so many reasons that I blew my connections with people. Sometimes it was a lack of confidence, or trying to be honest about my failures online but not adding my successes or not building to how I succeeded and how they can succeed with us too. You have to be confident about the successes you have throughout your life and build on these. Also, making my emails too big or too short can be a problem also. Being realistic is important, however being overly realistic to the point of pessimism and forgetting that “faith” and vision are key components also. Vision and hope drive us all.