So it’s a fine message but the only problem is it’s a little long and sounds like an autoresponder message. You want it to sound more personal and short. My suggestion is to just stick to the script (or change it only slightly) as I’ve helped bring in over 100 members with it.
Also put your final greeting toward the end but the question at the very end.
Communication with your list is the fourth skill and it’s not as easy as it sounds haha. I typically get one response out of five on average. That’s because a lot of people don’t check there emails or put in an email they don’t use. Over the years I’ve tried a hundred different scripts…but this one I sent you has worked. However, eventually the KEY is to find your own voice replying to emails as you gain experience and send them your own message.
Also Ken, watch out because even though your message is for Edward, you have James name half way through. This will kill your prospects view of you letter and he may think its a script. That’s the “kiss of death” for a prospect if they think that. But prospects love to hear their name so if you carefully go through the script and add it at key points it makes them feel special and appreciated. Just my two cents to help you! 🙂